Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
not ubering you a puppy
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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