I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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