At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
