Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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