You work out of a Hotel?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
