I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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