My friends, they love my intelligence
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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