I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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