I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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