That's when you crack a 10am beer
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
