end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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