I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
