Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
