I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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