Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My penis needs a shock collar
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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