I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
