There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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