I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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