Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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