Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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