The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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