I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
