Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i've created a new STD.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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