I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
