you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
