Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
