So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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