also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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