My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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