I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
