zippers are such a cool invention
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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