Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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