Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
