I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
