Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
