he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
