Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
