u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
