I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
