It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
