I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
