I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
