Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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