the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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