there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
