whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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