She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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