you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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