BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
