he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
