I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
