dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just found puke in my bra..
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
