Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Your cock deserves a montage
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
