Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
