Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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