and i looked up. we had an audience...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
