the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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