If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
