Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
